Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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