Soap is not a condiment
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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