I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
