I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
