My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
