Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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