Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
