Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
