I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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