wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
