I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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