If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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