I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
