I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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