I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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