the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
