Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
