so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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