TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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