I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
