imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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