can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
