why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
