My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
