i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
