just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Michael Bay diarrhea
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
