Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
