I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
