all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
