we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
