He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
