Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
