saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
