The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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