Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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