dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
