Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
