i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
