some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
