I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want nice things and good sex
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
