My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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