You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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