Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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