Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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