We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this is an emotional support booty call
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
