when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
