dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
