i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
