Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
