tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
