I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
now i know why i became what i already was.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
