i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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