i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
