Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
