She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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