i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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