Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
