I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
