if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
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I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
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As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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