broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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