I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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