and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
