my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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